winter break

So winter break is almost finished. it seemed to go way too fast for my liking. Not that I'm not missing my children, i just enjoy my time to do absolutely nothing. Mind you it hasn't really been the best break....too many things on my mind.

My mom is back in the hospital. We brought her back on the 23rd and has been there ever since and won't be coming home til sometime next week. I found out on Christmas eve that the cancer has spread, but not very much according to the Dr today. Still i had to take all this in and digest it.

I try not to think about it. That's how I'm dealing with this. If i don't think about her having this disease then its not there. I don't want to think about how skinny she is or how much pain she's in. However I had to think about it. Had to think about what I'm going to do when that day comes. Not something you want to think about on Christmas eve. She's looking better though. And she's going in for surgery next week, so hopefully that makes a big difference.

So while dealing with this, I also have another things going round inside my head. This due to a boy. I can't actually say when it all started, but it came to the surface about 2 weeks ago. He said some things that had me thinking. Now i have all these feelings and not sure what to do with them. I'm scared now that i have theses feeling he just going to walk away and I'll be stuck back where i was before. And I was the hesitant one.

been a long time since i last updated...whoops.

lets see what has happened?...i'm older...now 28. Can't say it feels any different than 27, but that much closer to 30.

Im not so hung up anymore. I have a new perspective on life. There are options that I want to try out. I still miss him, but also have to remember that he walked away....he knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and choose to walk away...

Christmas is almost upon us and i have not done any shopping. Thankfully I know what I want to get most of my family. Will be a late night for me on Tuesday. Thankfully the mall is open late!

School has another week and then winter break. Really looking forward to it. Time for family and making lasting memories. I'm not sure how many more I will have with my love ones.

Anyways i think it's time for a bubble bath...ciao

Update time

It's been awhile....that's not saying that I haven't tried to update before. I have...but then i start thinking about other stuff and move on...but i swear this one will get finished.

I'm sitting here and trying to find the special edition of Scars & Souvenirs from Theory. Also trying to see what songs are on the Glee soundtrack. However my computer is being a stupid pain in the ass and not letting me load things. It took me like six tries to send an email. Grr Arg!!

Things are alright. Had a great time up in Kelowna. Was already making plans for January! Last weekend was mellow..didn't really do anything and i was ok with it. No plans this weekend either. However I would love to see my bestfriend and her little man.

Mom had her first chemo treatment yesterday and it went well. She didn't have any side effects which is great, but she spent most of today sleeping. So i guess that is what her body needed. I'm not sure what the plan is for the next six visits, but will fins out tomorrow when she gets home.

I'm still amazed that it's November....where the hell did '09 go?

There is still a lot in my head....i miss little things....and big things.

But im tired...so i think i will leave it here. Night all

Wednesday night and here i sit. kinda tired so heading to bed after i write this. Another two days and then it's the weekend! Then next week I have another 4 day week. Yay!

Thanksgiving was alright. Mom was recovering from her surgery so she still wasn't feeling 100%. She wasn't able to eat all of her dinner, but was able to eat a little bit. She will be coming home from my Nana's tomorrow. I hate the fact that I can't do anything for her when she's in pain. I hate the fact that she has to go through this at all.

I'm excited for tomorrow...gonna get my hair cut and colored!! It's been awhile since I have had it professionally colored. Dark with light highlights. Short. Looking forward to catching up with Monica.

Family photos are this weekend and I desperately praying for sun on Saturday! I want outdoor shots and those are hard to do in the rain.....bah stupid rain!

I always wonder if I ever cross his mind. Does he ever think about me or miss me? Does he miss my laugh or my smile...

it's Friday night and im home by myself.
it's a little chilly in here so I am looking forward to curling up in a warm blanket.

my mom had her second surgery today and it went well. she's at my Nana's sleeping. I will be heading out there tomorrow to spend thanksgiving with my family.

so i am trying to think more positively lately....trying being the goal. I do have good days. The last couple have been ok. Tuesday was a grump day...it was three months that day.

i know it will get better in time, but that doesn't stop me from missing him everyday. i was debating all day long whether to send a msg. nothing crazy..just a simple i miss you or do you ever think of me....nothing too heavy....but didn't.....still thinking about it.

there are moments when i do get mad and i just don't understand why he didn't fall in love with me. if I was such a great girlfriend what did i do wrong?

it's been a while since i last updated this....well i've started two, but deleted them...hopefully this one gets posted.

we're in my favorite month....i love October....it makes me happy. Nice crisp clear fall days....add a cup of hot cider and i'm in heaven. Have a busy month...well at least the next two weekends. Woohoo Thanksgiving...mmm turkey. I love thanksgiving almost as much as I love Christmas. Then the weekend after that is Family Photos....hopefully it won't rain so we can take the pics outside....i checked the weather forcast tonight and it said rain, but that's two weeks away so hopefully it will change before then.

I have lots of work to do tomorrow. I did some today and was just working on my Activity plans...however it's been like 4 and a half years since i've done one and can't remember most things....hopefully i do ok.

Had a visit with Tasha & Olivia today. That was great. Had some Tacos and watched the Lion King...i still know pretty much every word of that movie...pretty sad ;)

As for other things....i'm still working on it. It will be three months soon....but I still need more time.

fall day 2

so it's the second day of fall and so far so good...well i guess my life didn't go to hell until the 4th day of summer...so maybe my life will be great on Friday...I'll be in the Ridge though...ahh cell phones are a blessed thing.

i have one more day of work and then on Friday it's a pro d day (already!! third week and they get a day off! wtf??) so I am heading out to the Ridge in the morning. Gonna spend the day with my grandparents and then the next day i am doing some gardening with my aunt and Nana. I'm not much of a gardener and hate getting dirt on my nails....so this should be fun. On Sunday, we get to move my mom over. It's gonna be great to have her here all the time, but it's gonna take some getting used to. I've been on my own for 3 years and she's going on 2 years.

In the last few weeks I've had more dreams with him then I've ever had. I've had two now where we are together...and i know that we're back together. So far it's been twice this week.

Can you hear me when i call your name?

i'm very happy to have my music back...or rather any sound coming from my computer. i'm, like most of the time, listening to music. i don't know what i would do with out music. there are so many songs that just pull me in. right now there are a couple by daughtry, state of shock, keith urban, theory, our lady peace and david cook that are just me.

today i woke up happy....well actually i woke up with the feeling of "i really would like to stay in my nice warm bed" but then i was happy. it's been a few days since i've felt like this. i don't think i've been this happy since the first day of school. doesn't mean that i'm always sad, but these were genuine happy days. do i have a reason for the happiness? not really.

i had a good day yesterday. watched some movies with a friend and just got to be lazy for the day. he's a good friend.

the trip is over. they are home. i guess part of me was hoping that he might have missed me on the trip. wondered if would have been different if i was there. I wonder if he thought about me while there. i wonder if he thinks of me at all. part of me was hoping for a sign from him. i don't know why.


And when you fall apart
Am I the reason for your endless sorrow?
There's so much to be said and with a broken heart
Your walls can only go down but so low
Can you hear me when I call your name?

Memories

i'm sitting here listening to my ipod cause for some reason my speakers are not working....I'm ok with it...rather have my computer then my speakers...plus I'm sure by tomorrow they will be working again.

i have too many memories. i wish there was something like a usb stick that you could put into your brain and take out all the memories. cause sometimes it's just too much to handle.

and it's weird to think that it's only been ten weeks. feel like much more time has passed. i almost sent a msg to him the other night. and not one that i really want to send. i was able to cancel it before it got out. if and when i do send him one all it will say is that i miss him.

i get through each day ok. i go to work and laugh with the children and put on my happy self. and there are times when i am truly happy. but a lot of the time i feel like.....i guess not me. and it's weird cause i was me before him. i had five years to get to know me and I liked me. then it was kris and brandi. and it was great. but now i have to go back to just being me again and i can't remember how to do that.

and i know everyone is sick of me being like this and i try to stop myself. i do. but my heart won't listen. and then my brain goes on it's own accord.

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Nobody understands how much I miss you; I miss how much we used to talk, and miss all the things we used to do. I try not to admit it to myself that I still feel this way. Nobody knows that I still wake up thinking of you each day. I still care for you so much. And I really do miss you. I would give up everything I have to be everything we`re not.

I know i should have let you go ages ago,
but something is always bringing me back
to you. maybe fate is just trying to tell me
that we really are meant to be together.

I wonder how many people never get the one they want but end up with the one they’re supposed to have.

Third week of Sept? WTF?

I seriously cannot believe it's already the third week of September....holy crap!

I'm back at work and happy to be there. It keeps my mind off of things....even if it is only for a couple of hours. My Mon, Wed, Fri class is easy. There are only ten of them and six come everyday. My Tues/Thurs class is a little bit more of a challenge being there are sixteen. It will be a great learning experience. I took a break from cutting out apples today, but back at it tomorrow. Well maybe I will finish some up before going to bed.

Had an OK weekend. Would have been a lot better if my mom was feeling better. I think the stint that they put in her stopped working, so she was in pain all weekend. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow with the Dr who put it in, so hopefully he will schedule another surgery asap. However my cousin's birthday was great. Got to hang out with the family. Seems I will be doing that every two weeks from now til the middle of October. I can't wait to get the family photos done. I'm very excited for those.

Had a great time with Monica last week. Looking forward to when we can do it again. Nothing like wine and a four hour conversation. Gonna go see her in a couple of weeks and get my hair chopped and colored. Not sure how it's gonna be cut, but shorter I think. And the darkest brown with light brown highlights. It's been a while since I've done that so looking forward to it.

So i almost sent an email out yesterday. I typed it with no outgoing address in the box. Then i deleted it. It's kinda like the two save messages i have in my drafts on my phone. They are there, but will they get a response if i send them? Monica told me to give it time. I've been doing that. I'm not the girl who wants drama. I'm also not the psycho ex. I'm just me.

He was in my dream the other night. It was good to see his face, hear his voice and feel his touch...even if it was only in my head.

Exhaustion

Just when I think I am doing ok, I get blind sided by sucker punch....and I'm down for the count.

First let me start by saying I am exhausted and on top of that is everything else. I didn't get that much sleep last night and it sucks.

I keep on trying to think positive and was doing good for a while. But this morning I woke up and was just having a sad day. It continued to be sad, even though i hid it really well. I'm not sure why it started off this way. I am supposed to start everyday with being grateful and thankful. Which I am. I guess it all started when I was laying in bed wondering if the actions I am taking are sending the Universe the wrong msg. Which I think I am. So got to work that out. Then later on more on the other girl.

I think it's amazing how much we can dislike someone without even knowing them. I still have no confirmation, but just a gut feeling. It blows that it hasn't even been two months yet. And I wonder if had even been one for him.

Today I was thinking about it. Wondering if I really wanted him back. Then I see this and i get all emotional. It sucks. I hate it.

I'm gonna start tomorrow off better. Say my thank yous and be grateful.

I am looking forward to Tuesday. One, cause i get to start my new class and am really looking forward to meeting my new little friends. & Two, because I have a wine date with Monica. I haven't seen her since before the breakup. And I miss her.

But this is where I leave you.

it's been a week and I am ok.

i've been reading the Secret and it's helping me a lot. I feel good about myself and am grateful for everything I have in my life and everyone in it. I am also grateful for all the experiences i've had. I have put in my order with the universe and now i just have to see it in my mind, believe it, and receive it.

i'm tired. i'm not used to working this much :) gotta get back into the swing of things. I'm looking forward to meeting all my new little friends next week. Not all are new, have some returning which is always fun.

Started running yesterday....or running what little my body allowed me too. Speed walked a lot too! This is my plan. Running/Speed Walking and lots of Wii active. Plus tons of fruit & veggies. I'm pretty proud of myself, have only had 1/3 can of root beer on Sunday. Yay me :) Right now I am addicted to Vitamin Water...mostly the XXX one, (acai-blueberry-pomegranate)....so yummy.

ok bedtime...

pain

here i sit staring at the keys wondering what to write. my stomach is still in knots and my head is....well there's just too much running around inside.

i have haunting images running around.....like old home movies playing repeatedly. i could handle them before, but now I have pictures popping in and out of them too. pictures that i'm not in.

i still don't know what to think. cause i am not for sure about anything. i just know i don't like what i saw.

right now I am hating life. i am hating this summer. i don't get why i keep getting hurt when all i did was fall in love.

make the pain stop

i am at the moment in this where i just don't want to do it anymore.

i don't want the pain. i don't want to deal with it. i want it to all go away. can someone please give something to make it stop hurting.

right now i can't breathe. it hurts too much.

how could someone take my place after a month

Awhile

i think the feeling I get from not hearing a word in a month and the feeling i get when i had my heartbroken are almost the same. it's one thing to get over a broken heart, a totally different thing to get over losing your best friend.

i'm not over it.

it's gonna be a while before i am.

i know it's stupid and naive, but part of me is hoping that he'll come back.

i have everyone telling me to move on and you can do so much better and all the stuff they are supposed to tell you, but I still love him. and it sucks that after almost two months he can still make me cry.

and i want so badly for him to miss me. to know that he thinks of me. just anything to know that i meant something to him. that the last year wasn't a waste.

someone said to me that is was good that i got a clean break. i'd rather have him talking to me.

i hate the fact that i can't let it go.

i hate the fact that i think about him all the fucking time.

End of Aug

So last night I broke down for the first time in a long time. I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and all i could think of was my mom. It's been a while since I cried about it. I like not to think about it. I guess in my own way I hoping that if I don't acknowledge it, it won't be real. I just can't picture what life is going to be with out her. I am very thankful for all the time that I have and will spend with her, but it's not enough. And honestly I don't know what I am going to do when that day comes.

I've arranged for some family portraits to be taken in October. I can't wait. It's with my favorite photographer. I want lots of shots of everyone. Just a fun day. Of course I want some special ones with mom. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm also looking forward to next weekend. It's my mom's 55th birthday and we're having a big party for her at my Nana & Gramps. Lots of friends and family. On her actual birthday a bunch of us are going for drinks and appy's at the Buffalo Club in Maple Ridge. So that will be fun. Have to remember to take my camera.

As for the rest of life....i quote *I'm fine. I mean, I'm not over it, but little by little it's getting easier to pretend it's easier, which means easier might be right around the corner.*

A Crappy Hand

There are some days when i just can't wrap my head around what is going on in my life. As I am writing these words my eyes are tearing up. I just wonder who dealt the hand that took my life from being great to the horrible mess it is now. It's not my whole life, just main parts of it. Thankfully i still have my friends and family.

My mom had her appointment with the cancer clinic on Friday. We were told that she will be put on pallentive chemo, which we already knew. This won't get rid of the cancer, but will slow it down. Before she does this, she needs to go have a CT scan to see if the cancer has spread any further. Apparently the chemo can either last a long time or it can last a short time as the cancer becomes ammune to it. We're hoping that it works for a long time.

My mom will be moving in with me in October. It will be nice to have her with me again. I will cherish every moment.

As for the rest of my life or the other shitty part of it....still no word. & it really hurts that after being together a year he chooses to do this. I thought he was better than that. When he said lets just be friends I thought he was telling the truth. I never imagined he would pull this stunt. To not even answer my txt about my mom, thats a little heartless. The one that had to do with me - whatever. I thought I meant more to him than that - guess I was wrong.

I'm Done

Just getting ready for work. So very tired, but I don't mind.

I'm still trying to figure everything out that is running around inside my brain. Try to put piece it together. Apparently this is one of the puzzles that is weird shaped, not the regular square version.

I really don't understand the reasoning behind trying to get me to hate him. Serioulsy? Grow Up! I'm not going to hate you. If you want act like a ten year old, go for it. Just remember all the times you told me how great I was and that none of your other gf's were like me.

I'm done. With all the crying and wondering.

it's august long weekend.....and what am I doing? Not much at all. I was originally supposed to go camping up at Jones Lake, but that fell through....

It's almost been a month.....on one hand it seemed to fly by, on the other it seemed to take a hundred years. I still haven't fully let go. I've wanted to. I guess you can say I'm on the fence about it. However these last few days have been pushing me. I sent him a msg on Wednesday evening and I'm still waiting to hear from him. I have no idea why he's doing this. I haven't done anything. That was the first msg i sent him in over a week. So i really don't get it. I don't want to think the worst of him, so I keep waiting...

I'm so tired of crying

so im sitting here and just realized that it's been over a month since we had the talk. a month since my world came crashing down. and it just seems to keep getting worse.

went to the specialist and he basically told us that my mom has less than 5 years. she could have 4 years and 11 months or she could have 90 days. it all depends on how fast the cancer spreads.

im having a really hard time with everything these days. how am i supposed to come to terms with the fact that i won't have my mom anymore? to not have her there when i have all the big moments in my life? to not be on the other side of the phone to listen to me babel on about pointless stuff? to get mad at over stupid stuff? god i hate this.

& to top it all off i hate the fact that i haven't heard from him in a week. for the guy who was supposedly my best friend. this sucks! & the other thing is that I want to see him so badly and then i don't. I hate the fact that he hasn't bothered to see how I am? to see how i'm dealing with all this. i miss him so much and it sucks cause i don't want to.

what the hell did i do to deserve all of this?

Too F'ing hot

So i am upstairs at Kim's and melting into her leather couch and looking forward to the cold shower I will be taking after I write this.

So the hospital visit went long yesterday. My mom didn't get in til twenty to two, when she was supposed to be in at 11. And the other thing is that they had to go down her throat again. Then we got the news we were expecting. She has cancer. It's kinda surreal. We're going to the specialist on Monday to see what her options are.

I'm enjoying my time out here, but my thoughts keep going all over the place. Sometimes they are on Mom and all the stuff I want to do with her while I can. On Kris and the conversation I would like to have. And among those are many other thoughts running around inside. I'll give some away....please take them.

K well I'm all yucky so I gonna hop in the shower. Yay :)

Ridge for the weekend

So I am in the Ridge for the weekend. My mom is going into St. Paul's for her biopsy. I'm not sure what to expect. I want it to be OK and hopefully it won't be as bad as we think it is. All I can do is hope for the best.

Originally I was supposed to a friends wedding this weekend. & I'm kinda bummed that I'm not going cause it would have been great. So I want to send my love to Bryce & Jenn and can't wait to see pictures.

In other things, it's been a crazy week. I discovered that drinking a bottle of wine in one night isn't always the best idea :( Plans with Kris didn't happen because our schedules didn't mash, which really sucked, cause I wanted to hang out. There is just so much running around in my head when it comes to him. I don't hate him in anyway, i just hate the situation.

so this weekend i did absolutely nothing.....it was quite boring.

today i mostly stayed in. I did venture out to grab a few things, but that was about it. lol tons of fun.

Tyler came over tho, we watched the end of LOTR, the first one. So much i forgot and some I remembered. Yay me! Now i want to watch the second on. I would also like to watch the Pirate Trilogy. I need those...or want...whatever.

I msged Kris today to see about hanging out this week. Cause he asked and I said sure. He didn't answer me. I msged him at 2, and just sent another msg. So far nothing. I would like to hang out, but if you're gonna make plans, then stick to them. I don't think that it's anything I did, unless it was asking about the comment, and if that's it then wtf? I was just needed an answer to the many questions running around in my head. I don't think he has a reason to be mad at me. I haven't done anything wrong.

This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If I could go back a month and a half, or to the beginning of May, that would be good. That's when I started to worry. That's when I started wondering. I came across something totally by accident and it upset me. And then the next day I came upon something else that made me wonder. Then this stewed for about a week, before i approached him. Add a bunch of alcohol to that fire and you get our fun conversation. That was when I was first told he didn't love me, after a year of being together.

I would tell myself to just leave it alone..........but then what good would it do? He still wouldn't love me.

I don't know sometimes....there are many times when I want him back. I want my crazy, hockey obsessed boyfriend back. Then there are the few times when like now, when he doesn't answer, and I wonder do I really need to go through this. And the crappy thing about both of these things is that I still love him.

But til the day i either get over him, or he realizes that I'm the one, i have to live my life. I have plans this week with one of my best friends and then family stuff on the weekend....and I will have fun

it's Saturday and I got woken up at twenty after eight by a weed whacker.....i hate my neighbor

I saw Harry Potter last night. It was good, but being a big fan of the books, i could easily pick out what's missing and what isn't in the book. However when Harry took the Felix potion, I was laughing pretty hard.

So Kris & I went for dinner and drinks before the show. It was different. I guess I saw him in a different light. I didn't see him as the man I am in love with. I saw him as a friend. It took me a long time to relax and after a couple drinks I kinda saw him like I have before. I guess I was waiting to see how the movie went. No one held my hand.

We didn't talk at all about us. I told him that I wouldn't be going to the wedding. And I am still trying to figure out if I want to go to Tofino. I want to go to Tofino, but there's just so much stuff. I did ask him about the comment. His reply was "well see how the future goes and what happens"

So now I have to figure this out. Do I want this? Or do I want something else? I'd rather spend my summer having fun and spending time with family & friends than being like this. Time waits for no one, so why should I?

it's been a week

a whole week of having a broken heart....it feels hollow inside.

I finally heard from him yesterday, but that was only after i msged him asking if we were still going to the movie last night. Surprise, we didn't make it. He's in Whistler til today. So we made plans to go see it on Friday and have dinner & drinks before. I will seriously kick his ass if he bails on me again.

I got some good insight the other day. I can hope that I will be different, but he's the one who decides it.

.: Missing you isn't the problem, it's wondering if you'll ever come back that's killing me :.

so I tried doing this last night and something happened and I lost it all......so here i go again

This weekend went by quick, but then again I haven't worked since last Monday...so it's been a long weekend. Today I am off to teach Bug Camp and a little nervous cause I've never done it before. Hopefully everything goes ok.

The weekend was good. Went to Olivia's 2nd birthday. It's so hard to believe that she's two. Too cute for words. I went with Melissa & Connor and we all had a great time. Have way through the party I msged Tyler cause we had been chatting earlier that day. He msged me back telling me he was at the hospital because he had hurt his back. He could still walk so I knew it wasn't extremely bad, thank god. Later he msged me that he had broken his back, he has a compound fracture. He was able to go home. Gotta say he's pretty mobile for someone with a broken back. I went over after the party and we just hung out and watched some movies. He makes me laugh which is what I need these days.

I still haven't heard anything from Kris. It's been almost a week. We do have plans tomorrow. Some friends just think he's out doing his boy things now that he's a free man, but i never had him chained up. He was always able to do whatever he wanted. I'm hoping to get more into the "not the end" comment, cause that has been bothering me for a week. It will also make things more clear. At the moment I am confused as what I want.....and it sucks.

I hate this part.

so the last two days have been hard ones.

i've been out and about for both of them and it's just one certain thing that has everything come crashing down.

i miss my bestfriend. I miss that we don't talk twice everyday. I miss that i can't kiss him whenever I want. I miss that he's not here to cuddle up to. basically i miss everything.

yesterday was a great day. i hung out with Melissa & Connor. Connor and i spent some quality time together. it was nice. then later on Tara and I watched L.A ink and Big Brother. After that Tyler came over and we watched the Dark Knight. So i had many friends around me all day and it was great......but i still miss him.

I am supposed to attend a wedding in two weeks, and I'm still not sure. I want to be there for Jenn & Bryce, but the plan was to go with his Family (who I love as well as him), but just how hard would that be? and where would we stay and it goes on and on.....

I'm gonna stay busy this weekend....have a party tomorrow for Olivia and no plans for sunday yet, but hopefully something comes through. As for today I have housework and a bubble bath is calling me right now....

i hate this

Confused

so here i sit....fine, but confused because men have a way of doing that to me. why i have no idea.

i woke up yesterday and I was fine. it was weird, but I was like ok.

kris came over around 11 and dropped my stuff off and I gave him his. then we went to get something to eat. while waiting for our food he asked how my day at work was on monday. I told him it sucked. he asked why. that's when i got your msg. his reply ohhh, well it's not the end, it just for right now.

WTF does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he broke up with me and then proceeds to tell me this...i don't get it.

does this mean that when and if he's ready to love me he can come back? somehow that just doesn't seem fair to me. as much as I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, i can't just sit here and wait.

so this is what i'm going to do. I'm going to spend as much time as i can with my friends and family. i will be busy. we have plans to see HP next week, which is great, but I will take a step back. make him miss me.....make him see what he did.

does this seem unfair or like a playing a game?

over

So it ended today. Through txting.

Today I lost all my dreams, my boyfriend and my bestfriend.

He wants to just be friends. I don't know if I will be able to do that. I don't think I could handle seeing him with anyone else.

I know the pain will go away, but right now it's unbearable.

The Weekend

so this weekend went by quick. I had some fun and I had some tears.

Saturday I didn't do much at all during the day. Just stayed in my cool basement. In the evening I went out for Tasha's bday. Had some yummy drinks and food at the Duke of Dublin. Didn't get a chance to have my Bailey's Cheesecake tho :( Afterwards Melissa dropped me off and I poured myself into bed.

Sunday was a long day. Kris & I had plans, whether he followed through with the plans is what I was waiting to see. I went out and ran a few errands, called my Mom and Aunt. 12 came and went and by three i started drinking my coolers.

It was about this time when I got a msg from a friend. So we msged back and forth all night. My coolers dissappeared, so I bought some wine when my cousin Wade went on a beer run for the girls. I had one glass before my friend came over and we went for food. It was good to get my mind of off Kris for just a little while.

Kris never did show or call. He told me when we were having our talk that this is what he does. He becomes a complete jerk so the girls break up with him. It's not going down that way this time. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I love him and will continue to be here......

.:: It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up. Especially when it's everything you've ever wanted ::.

it's friday.....and I miss my bestfriend.

he's camping with his friends right now. I haven't talked to him since wednesday. We talk everyday. This is killing me. I know it's for the best or at least I'd like to think so. I really don't want to lose what we have. I hope he's missing me too...

am i that hard to love? im an awesome gf (his words) so what the hell?

it's time for girls night and some alcoholic beverages. need to get rid of the pain. even if it is only for one night.

why? ? why is all this happening at the same time?

So i have one of these for just all the stuff going on with my mom, but I thought I would also have one that just deals with what is going on with me. Yes my mom is part of me, but i don't feel right going on about my crap when i should be writing about how i am dealing with my mom.

So between dealing with my mom's sickness, I am also dealing with my boyfriend trying to break things off with me. I wouldn't go for it, so we are on a break. I know that as soon as you hear that word you think Ross & Rachel. Well so far it's nothing like that. It started last Thursday when he finally called back and told me we need to talk. This is after not talking to me all day and then going to see Transformer's without me. By doing this, he thought I would break up with him. Dumbass!

We've been together just over a year now and he's the one. However he believe's he's not in love with me. Slight kink in my dreams. We've seen each other twice since the desicion. Once very quicky at my mom's and the day after when we went out for dinner and a movie. Yesterday we were supposed to go to the river, but it didn't happen and now we have plans for Sunday. Part of me wants to go, but part of me doesn't. I want to give space to miss me basically. But i miss him so much.