so im sitting here and just realized that it's been over a month since we had the talk. a month since my world came crashing down. and it just seems to keep getting worse.

went to the specialist and he basically told us that my mom has less than 5 years. she could have 4 years and 11 months or she could have 90 days. it all depends on how fast the cancer spreads.

im having a really hard time with everything these days. how am i supposed to come to terms with the fact that i won't have my mom anymore? to not have her there when i have all the big moments in my life? to not be on the other side of the phone to listen to me babel on about pointless stuff? to get mad at over stupid stuff? god i hate this.

& to top it all off i hate the fact that i haven't heard from him in a week. for the guy who was supposedly my best friend. this sucks! & the other thing is that I want to see him so badly and then i don't. I hate the fact that he hasn't bothered to see how I am? to see how i'm dealing with all this. i miss him so much and it sucks cause i don't want to.

what the hell did i do to deserve all of this?

Too F'ing hot

So i am upstairs at Kim's and melting into her leather couch and looking forward to the cold shower I will be taking after I write this.

So the hospital visit went long yesterday. My mom didn't get in til twenty to two, when she was supposed to be in at 11. And the other thing is that they had to go down her throat again. Then we got the news we were expecting. She has cancer. It's kinda surreal. We're going to the specialist on Monday to see what her options are.

I'm enjoying my time out here, but my thoughts keep going all over the place. Sometimes they are on Mom and all the stuff I want to do with her while I can. On Kris and the conversation I would like to have. And among those are many other thoughts running around inside. I'll give some away....please take them.

K well I'm all yucky so I gonna hop in the shower. Yay :)

Ridge for the weekend

So I am in the Ridge for the weekend. My mom is going into St. Paul's for her biopsy. I'm not sure what to expect. I want it to be OK and hopefully it won't be as bad as we think it is. All I can do is hope for the best.

Originally I was supposed to a friends wedding this weekend. & I'm kinda bummed that I'm not going cause it would have been great. So I want to send my love to Bryce & Jenn and can't wait to see pictures.

In other things, it's been a crazy week. I discovered that drinking a bottle of wine in one night isn't always the best idea :( Plans with Kris didn't happen because our schedules didn't mash, which really sucked, cause I wanted to hang out. There is just so much running around in my head when it comes to him. I don't hate him in anyway, i just hate the situation.

so this weekend i did absolutely nothing.....it was quite boring.

today i mostly stayed in. I did venture out to grab a few things, but that was about it. lol tons of fun.

Tyler came over tho, we watched the end of LOTR, the first one. So much i forgot and some I remembered. Yay me! Now i want to watch the second on. I would also like to watch the Pirate Trilogy. I need those...or want...whatever.

I msged Kris today to see about hanging out this week. Cause he asked and I said sure. He didn't answer me. I msged him at 2, and just sent another msg. So far nothing. I would like to hang out, but if you're gonna make plans, then stick to them. I don't think that it's anything I did, unless it was asking about the comment, and if that's it then wtf? I was just needed an answer to the many questions running around in my head. I don't think he has a reason to be mad at me. I haven't done anything wrong.

This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If I could go back a month and a half, or to the beginning of May, that would be good. That's when I started to worry. That's when I started wondering. I came across something totally by accident and it upset me. And then the next day I came upon something else that made me wonder. Then this stewed for about a week, before i approached him. Add a bunch of alcohol to that fire and you get our fun conversation. That was when I was first told he didn't love me, after a year of being together.

I would tell myself to just leave it alone..........but then what good would it do? He still wouldn't love me.

I don't know sometimes....there are many times when I want him back. I want my crazy, hockey obsessed boyfriend back. Then there are the few times when like now, when he doesn't answer, and I wonder do I really need to go through this. And the crappy thing about both of these things is that I still love him.

But til the day i either get over him, or he realizes that I'm the one, i have to live my life. I have plans this week with one of my best friends and then family stuff on the weekend....and I will have fun

it's Saturday and I got woken up at twenty after eight by a weed whacker.....i hate my neighbor

I saw Harry Potter last night. It was good, but being a big fan of the books, i could easily pick out what's missing and what isn't in the book. However when Harry took the Felix potion, I was laughing pretty hard.

So Kris & I went for dinner and drinks before the show. It was different. I guess I saw him in a different light. I didn't see him as the man I am in love with. I saw him as a friend. It took me a long time to relax and after a couple drinks I kinda saw him like I have before. I guess I was waiting to see how the movie went. No one held my hand.

We didn't talk at all about us. I told him that I wouldn't be going to the wedding. And I am still trying to figure out if I want to go to Tofino. I want to go to Tofino, but there's just so much stuff. I did ask him about the comment. His reply was "well see how the future goes and what happens"

So now I have to figure this out. Do I want this? Or do I want something else? I'd rather spend my summer having fun and spending time with family & friends than being like this. Time waits for no one, so why should I?

it's been a week

a whole week of having a broken heart....it feels hollow inside.

I finally heard from him yesterday, but that was only after i msged him asking if we were still going to the movie last night. Surprise, we didn't make it. He's in Whistler til today. So we made plans to go see it on Friday and have dinner & drinks before. I will seriously kick his ass if he bails on me again.

I got some good insight the other day. I can hope that I will be different, but he's the one who decides it.

.: Missing you isn't the problem, it's wondering if you'll ever come back that's killing me :.

so I tried doing this last night and something happened and I lost it all......so here i go again

This weekend went by quick, but then again I haven't worked since last Monday...so it's been a long weekend. Today I am off to teach Bug Camp and a little nervous cause I've never done it before. Hopefully everything goes ok.

The weekend was good. Went to Olivia's 2nd birthday. It's so hard to believe that she's two. Too cute for words. I went with Melissa & Connor and we all had a great time. Have way through the party I msged Tyler cause we had been chatting earlier that day. He msged me back telling me he was at the hospital because he had hurt his back. He could still walk so I knew it wasn't extremely bad, thank god. Later he msged me that he had broken his back, he has a compound fracture. He was able to go home. Gotta say he's pretty mobile for someone with a broken back. I went over after the party and we just hung out and watched some movies. He makes me laugh which is what I need these days.

I still haven't heard anything from Kris. It's been almost a week. We do have plans tomorrow. Some friends just think he's out doing his boy things now that he's a free man, but i never had him chained up. He was always able to do whatever he wanted. I'm hoping to get more into the "not the end" comment, cause that has been bothering me for a week. It will also make things more clear. At the moment I am confused as what I want.....and it sucks.

I hate this part.

so the last two days have been hard ones.

i've been out and about for both of them and it's just one certain thing that has everything come crashing down.

i miss my bestfriend. I miss that we don't talk twice everyday. I miss that i can't kiss him whenever I want. I miss that he's not here to cuddle up to. basically i miss everything.

yesterday was a great day. i hung out with Melissa & Connor. Connor and i spent some quality time together. it was nice. then later on Tara and I watched L.A ink and Big Brother. After that Tyler came over and we watched the Dark Knight. So i had many friends around me all day and it was great......but i still miss him.

I am supposed to attend a wedding in two weeks, and I'm still not sure. I want to be there for Jenn & Bryce, but the plan was to go with his Family (who I love as well as him), but just how hard would that be? and where would we stay and it goes on and on.....

I'm gonna stay busy this weekend....have a party tomorrow for Olivia and no plans for sunday yet, but hopefully something comes through. As for today I have housework and a bubble bath is calling me right now....

i hate this

Confused

so here i sit....fine, but confused because men have a way of doing that to me. why i have no idea.

i woke up yesterday and I was fine. it was weird, but I was like ok.

kris came over around 11 and dropped my stuff off and I gave him his. then we went to get something to eat. while waiting for our food he asked how my day at work was on monday. I told him it sucked. he asked why. that's when i got your msg. his reply ohhh, well it's not the end, it just for right now.

WTF does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he broke up with me and then proceeds to tell me this...i don't get it.

does this mean that when and if he's ready to love me he can come back? somehow that just doesn't seem fair to me. as much as I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, i can't just sit here and wait.

so this is what i'm going to do. I'm going to spend as much time as i can with my friends and family. i will be busy. we have plans to see HP next week, which is great, but I will take a step back. make him miss me.....make him see what he did.

does this seem unfair or like a playing a game?

over

So it ended today. Through txting.

Today I lost all my dreams, my boyfriend and my bestfriend.

He wants to just be friends. I don't know if I will be able to do that. I don't think I could handle seeing him with anyone else.

I know the pain will go away, but right now it's unbearable.

The Weekend

so this weekend went by quick. I had some fun and I had some tears.

Saturday I didn't do much at all during the day. Just stayed in my cool basement. In the evening I went out for Tasha's bday. Had some yummy drinks and food at the Duke of Dublin. Didn't get a chance to have my Bailey's Cheesecake tho :( Afterwards Melissa dropped me off and I poured myself into bed.

Sunday was a long day. Kris & I had plans, whether he followed through with the plans is what I was waiting to see. I went out and ran a few errands, called my Mom and Aunt. 12 came and went and by three i started drinking my coolers.

It was about this time when I got a msg from a friend. So we msged back and forth all night. My coolers dissappeared, so I bought some wine when my cousin Wade went on a beer run for the girls. I had one glass before my friend came over and we went for food. It was good to get my mind of off Kris for just a little while.

Kris never did show or call. He told me when we were having our talk that this is what he does. He becomes a complete jerk so the girls break up with him. It's not going down that way this time. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I love him and will continue to be here......

.:: It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up. Especially when it's everything you've ever wanted ::.

it's friday.....and I miss my bestfriend.

he's camping with his friends right now. I haven't talked to him since wednesday. We talk everyday. This is killing me. I know it's for the best or at least I'd like to think so. I really don't want to lose what we have. I hope he's missing me too...

am i that hard to love? im an awesome gf (his words) so what the hell?

it's time for girls night and some alcoholic beverages. need to get rid of the pain. even if it is only for one night.

why? ? why is all this happening at the same time?

So i have one of these for just all the stuff going on with my mom, but I thought I would also have one that just deals with what is going on with me. Yes my mom is part of me, but i don't feel right going on about my crap when i should be writing about how i am dealing with my mom.

So between dealing with my mom's sickness, I am also dealing with my boyfriend trying to break things off with me. I wouldn't go for it, so we are on a break. I know that as soon as you hear that word you think Ross & Rachel. Well so far it's nothing like that. It started last Thursday when he finally called back and told me we need to talk. This is after not talking to me all day and then going to see Transformer's without me. By doing this, he thought I would break up with him. Dumbass!

We've been together just over a year now and he's the one. However he believe's he's not in love with me. Slight kink in my dreams. We've seen each other twice since the desicion. Once very quicky at my mom's and the day after when we went out for dinner and a movie. Yesterday we were supposed to go to the river, but it didn't happen and now we have plans for Sunday. Part of me wants to go, but part of me doesn't. I want to give space to miss me basically. But i miss him so much.