Winter 2010

So can't say this has been the best year for me, but I made it through. I met some new wonderful people who I am proud to call my friends. Went on an amazing vacation and am already planning the next one. Can drive, even if my poor car needs work already. 

Winter break is here and I am gonna take advantage of it believe me. Ahh to sleep in and relax for a day or two, mind you this will be after Christmas when everything is all finished and completed. As for today I will be baking and sewing. Busy Busy Busy. Think I will put on a couple Christmas movies and just go at it.

So everything is still the same. No change. Might have to do with the fact that I'm such a chicken sh*t. It's not like we haven't been down this road before....over and over again. I just don't want to be hurt again. But when he's here or I'm there, it's great. Nothing like cuddling on the couch, watching a movie with the person you've been in love with for over ten years. I just want to believe in everything he's told me. 

So I'm not sure how Christmas is gonna be....i know it's gonna be hard, but thankfully I will have my wonderful family there. 

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and hoping 2011 will be the best <3

well it's been almost six months since my last blog. things have changes as things do in a six months span. And somethings are still the same.

tomorrow is thanksgiving. I am lucky enough to get to go to two. One with my family and one with my best friend's family, but also known as my adopted family. 

its weird to think that she was just here last year celebrating with us, and just had her first chemo treatment. its still really hard some days, i don't think its ever going to be ok with me. there are some random moments when i realize she`s gone and I have no parents. it is the weirdest realization to have. to know that the two people who created you and gone and well before their time.

as much as I hate her not being here, there are good times in my life as well. I have my family who are great. My friends who I would not trade for anything in this whole world and my job which keeps me on my toes.

then there is him. oh so much to say about him. the one boy who has held my heart forever. that one person who knows me inside out. my first love. we had coffee in the summer and just talked. about everything and anything. then later he told me things that made me think. and now three months later i'm still thinking, but now i know what I want. 

*As the time goes by, it gets a little easier to smile. I know I'll never forget everything that you said. You said it's alright, it's all part of life.*

There are days that are easier to deal with. I still get out of bed and head for work. The days go on. 

Then there are the days when i can't breathe. I can't accept the fact that she's gone. I miss her so much.

I keep remembering running as fast as I could to the hospital knowing that I wasn't going to make it. Then just sitting there with her waiting. And it seemed to take forever for them to get there. I still can't handle the street at night time. It's too hard.

It's not fair. I HATE the fact that I have to go through the rest of my life without her. To not have her give me away at my wedding and not hold my babies. 

I am so thankful that I have my family. They make it easier to get through each day. He does too. 

winter break

So winter break is almost finished. it seemed to go way too fast for my liking. Not that I'm not missing my children, i just enjoy my time to do absolutely nothing. Mind you it hasn't really been the best break....too many things on my mind.

My mom is back in the hospital. We brought her back on the 23rd and has been there ever since and won't be coming home til sometime next week. I found out on Christmas eve that the cancer has spread, but not very much according to the Dr today. Still i had to take all this in and digest it.

I try not to think about it. That's how I'm dealing with this. If i don't think about her having this disease then its not there. I don't want to think about how skinny she is or how much pain she's in. However I had to think about it. Had to think about what I'm going to do when that day comes. Not something you want to think about on Christmas eve. She's looking better though. And she's going in for surgery next week, so hopefully that makes a big difference.

So while dealing with this, I also have another things going round inside my head. This due to a boy. I can't actually say when it all started, but it came to the surface about 2 weeks ago. He said some things that had me thinking. Now i have all these feelings and not sure what to do with them. I'm scared now that i have theses feeling he just going to walk away and I'll be stuck back where i was before. And I was the hesitant one.

been a long time since i last updated...whoops.

lets see what has happened?...i'm older...now 28. Can't say it feels any different than 27, but that much closer to 30.

Im not so hung up anymore. I have a new perspective on life. There are options that I want to try out. I still miss him, but also have to remember that he walked away....he knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and choose to walk away...

Christmas is almost upon us and i have not done any shopping. Thankfully I know what I want to get most of my family. Will be a late night for me on Tuesday. Thankfully the mall is open late!

School has another week and then winter break. Really looking forward to it. Time for family and making lasting memories. I'm not sure how many more I will have with my love ones.

Anyways i think it's time for a bubble bath...ciao

Update time

It's been awhile....that's not saying that I haven't tried to update before. I have...but then i start thinking about other stuff and move on...but i swear this one will get finished.

I'm sitting here and trying to find the special edition of Scars & Souvenirs from Theory. Also trying to see what songs are on the Glee soundtrack. However my computer is being a stupid pain in the ass and not letting me load things. It took me like six tries to send an email. Grr Arg!!

Things are alright. Had a great time up in Kelowna. Was already making plans for January! Last weekend was mellow..didn't really do anything and i was ok with it. No plans this weekend either. However I would love to see my bestfriend and her little man.

Mom had her first chemo treatment yesterday and it went well. She didn't have any side effects which is great, but she spent most of today sleeping. So i guess that is what her body needed. I'm not sure what the plan is for the next six visits, but will fins out tomorrow when she gets home.

I'm still amazed that it's November....where the hell did '09 go?

There is still a lot in my head....i miss little things....and big things.

But im tired...so i think i will leave it here. Night all

Wednesday night and here i sit. kinda tired so heading to bed after i write this. Another two days and then it's the weekend! Then next week I have another 4 day week. Yay!

Thanksgiving was alright. Mom was recovering from her surgery so she still wasn't feeling 100%. She wasn't able to eat all of her dinner, but was able to eat a little bit. She will be coming home from my Nana's tomorrow. I hate the fact that I can't do anything for her when she's in pain. I hate the fact that she has to go through this at all.

I'm excited for tomorrow...gonna get my hair cut and colored!! It's been awhile since I have had it professionally colored. Dark with light highlights. Short. Looking forward to catching up with Monica.

Family photos are this weekend and I desperately praying for sun on Saturday! I want outdoor shots and those are hard to do in the rain.....bah stupid rain!

I always wonder if I ever cross his mind. Does he ever think about me or miss me? Does he miss my laugh or my smile...