pain

here i sit staring at the keys wondering what to write. my stomach is still in knots and my head is....well there's just too much running around inside.

i have haunting images running around.....like old home movies playing repeatedly. i could handle them before, but now I have pictures popping in and out of them too. pictures that i'm not in.

i still don't know what to think. cause i am not for sure about anything. i just know i don't like what i saw.

right now I am hating life. i am hating this summer. i don't get why i keep getting hurt when all i did was fall in love.

make the pain stop

i am at the moment in this where i just don't want to do it anymore.

i don't want the pain. i don't want to deal with it. i want it to all go away. can someone please give something to make it stop hurting.

right now i can't breathe. it hurts too much.

how could someone take my place after a month

Awhile

i think the feeling I get from not hearing a word in a month and the feeling i get when i had my heartbroken are almost the same. it's one thing to get over a broken heart, a totally different thing to get over losing your best friend.

i'm not over it.

it's gonna be a while before i am.

i know it's stupid and naive, but part of me is hoping that he'll come back.

i have everyone telling me to move on and you can do so much better and all the stuff they are supposed to tell you, but I still love him. and it sucks that after almost two months he can still make me cry.

and i want so badly for him to miss me. to know that he thinks of me. just anything to know that i meant something to him. that the last year wasn't a waste.

someone said to me that is was good that i got a clean break. i'd rather have him talking to me.

i hate the fact that i can't let it go.

i hate the fact that i think about him all the fucking time.

End of Aug

So last night I broke down for the first time in a long time. I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and all i could think of was my mom. It's been a while since I cried about it. I like not to think about it. I guess in my own way I hoping that if I don't acknowledge it, it won't be real. I just can't picture what life is going to be with out her. I am very thankful for all the time that I have and will spend with her, but it's not enough. And honestly I don't know what I am going to do when that day comes.

I've arranged for some family portraits to be taken in October. I can't wait. It's with my favorite photographer. I want lots of shots of everyone. Just a fun day. Of course I want some special ones with mom. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm also looking forward to next weekend. It's my mom's 55th birthday and we're having a big party for her at my Nana & Gramps. Lots of friends and family. On her actual birthday a bunch of us are going for drinks and appy's at the Buffalo Club in Maple Ridge. So that will be fun. Have to remember to take my camera.

As for the rest of life....i quote *I'm fine. I mean, I'm not over it, but little by little it's getting easier to pretend it's easier, which means easier might be right around the corner.*

A Crappy Hand

There are some days when i just can't wrap my head around what is going on in my life. As I am writing these words my eyes are tearing up. I just wonder who dealt the hand that took my life from being great to the horrible mess it is now. It's not my whole life, just main parts of it. Thankfully i still have my friends and family.

My mom had her appointment with the cancer clinic on Friday. We were told that she will be put on pallentive chemo, which we already knew. This won't get rid of the cancer, but will slow it down. Before she does this, she needs to go have a CT scan to see if the cancer has spread any further. Apparently the chemo can either last a long time or it can last a short time as the cancer becomes ammune to it. We're hoping that it works for a long time.

My mom will be moving in with me in October. It will be nice to have her with me again. I will cherish every moment.

As for the rest of my life or the other shitty part of it....still no word. & it really hurts that after being together a year he chooses to do this. I thought he was better than that. When he said lets just be friends I thought he was telling the truth. I never imagined he would pull this stunt. To not even answer my txt about my mom, thats a little heartless. The one that had to do with me - whatever. I thought I meant more to him than that - guess I was wrong.

I'm Done

Just getting ready for work. So very tired, but I don't mind.

I'm still trying to figure everything out that is running around inside my brain. Try to put piece it together. Apparently this is one of the puzzles that is weird shaped, not the regular square version.

I really don't understand the reasoning behind trying to get me to hate him. Serioulsy? Grow Up! I'm not going to hate you. If you want act like a ten year old, go for it. Just remember all the times you told me how great I was and that none of your other gf's were like me.

I'm done. With all the crying and wondering.

it's august long weekend.....and what am I doing? Not much at all. I was originally supposed to go camping up at Jones Lake, but that fell through....

It's almost been a month.....on one hand it seemed to fly by, on the other it seemed to take a hundred years. I still haven't fully let go. I've wanted to. I guess you can say I'm on the fence about it. However these last few days have been pushing me. I sent him a msg on Wednesday evening and I'm still waiting to hear from him. I have no idea why he's doing this. I haven't done anything. That was the first msg i sent him in over a week. So i really don't get it. I don't want to think the worst of him, so I keep waiting...

I'm so tired of crying