fall day 2

so it's the second day of fall and so far so good...well i guess my life didn't go to hell until the 4th day of summer...so maybe my life will be great on Friday...I'll be in the Ridge though...ahh cell phones are a blessed thing.

i have one more day of work and then on Friday it's a pro d day (already!! third week and they get a day off! wtf??) so I am heading out to the Ridge in the morning. Gonna spend the day with my grandparents and then the next day i am doing some gardening with my aunt and Nana. I'm not much of a gardener and hate getting dirt on my nails....so this should be fun. On Sunday, we get to move my mom over. It's gonna be great to have her here all the time, but it's gonna take some getting used to. I've been on my own for 3 years and she's going on 2 years.

In the last few weeks I've had more dreams with him then I've ever had. I've had two now where we are together...and i know that we're back together. So far it's been twice this week.

Can you hear me when i call your name?

i'm very happy to have my music back...or rather any sound coming from my computer. i'm, like most of the time, listening to music. i don't know what i would do with out music. there are so many songs that just pull me in. right now there are a couple by daughtry, state of shock, keith urban, theory, our lady peace and david cook that are just me.

today i woke up happy....well actually i woke up with the feeling of "i really would like to stay in my nice warm bed" but then i was happy. it's been a few days since i've felt like this. i don't think i've been this happy since the first day of school. doesn't mean that i'm always sad, but these were genuine happy days. do i have a reason for the happiness? not really.

i had a good day yesterday. watched some movies with a friend and just got to be lazy for the day. he's a good friend.

the trip is over. they are home. i guess part of me was hoping that he might have missed me on the trip. wondered if would have been different if i was there. I wonder if he thought about me while there. i wonder if he thinks of me at all. part of me was hoping for a sign from him. i don't know why.


And when you fall apart
Am I the reason for your endless sorrow?
There's so much to be said and with a broken heart
Your walls can only go down but so low
Can you hear me when I call your name?

Memories

i'm sitting here listening to my ipod cause for some reason my speakers are not working....I'm ok with it...rather have my computer then my speakers...plus I'm sure by tomorrow they will be working again.

i have too many memories. i wish there was something like a usb stick that you could put into your brain and take out all the memories. cause sometimes it's just too much to handle.

and it's weird to think that it's only been ten weeks. feel like much more time has passed. i almost sent a msg to him the other night. and not one that i really want to send. i was able to cancel it before it got out. if and when i do send him one all it will say is that i miss him.

i get through each day ok. i go to work and laugh with the children and put on my happy self. and there are times when i am truly happy. but a lot of the time i feel like.....i guess not me. and it's weird cause i was me before him. i had five years to get to know me and I liked me. then it was kris and brandi. and it was great. but now i have to go back to just being me again and i can't remember how to do that.

and i know everyone is sick of me being like this and i try to stop myself. i do. but my heart won't listen. and then my brain goes on it's own accord.

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Nobody understands how much I miss you; I miss how much we used to talk, and miss all the things we used to do. I try not to admit it to myself that I still feel this way. Nobody knows that I still wake up thinking of you each day. I still care for you so much. And I really do miss you. I would give up everything I have to be everything we`re not.

I know i should have let you go ages ago,
but something is always bringing me back
to you. maybe fate is just trying to tell me
that we really are meant to be together.

I wonder how many people never get the one they want but end up with the one they’re supposed to have.

Third week of Sept? WTF?

I seriously cannot believe it's already the third week of September....holy crap!

I'm back at work and happy to be there. It keeps my mind off of things....even if it is only for a couple of hours. My Mon, Wed, Fri class is easy. There are only ten of them and six come everyday. My Tues/Thurs class is a little bit more of a challenge being there are sixteen. It will be a great learning experience. I took a break from cutting out apples today, but back at it tomorrow. Well maybe I will finish some up before going to bed.

Had an OK weekend. Would have been a lot better if my mom was feeling better. I think the stint that they put in her stopped working, so she was in pain all weekend. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow with the Dr who put it in, so hopefully he will schedule another surgery asap. However my cousin's birthday was great. Got to hang out with the family. Seems I will be doing that every two weeks from now til the middle of October. I can't wait to get the family photos done. I'm very excited for those.

Had a great time with Monica last week. Looking forward to when we can do it again. Nothing like wine and a four hour conversation. Gonna go see her in a couple of weeks and get my hair chopped and colored. Not sure how it's gonna be cut, but shorter I think. And the darkest brown with light brown highlights. It's been a while since I've done that so looking forward to it.

So i almost sent an email out yesterday. I typed it with no outgoing address in the box. Then i deleted it. It's kinda like the two save messages i have in my drafts on my phone. They are there, but will they get a response if i send them? Monica told me to give it time. I've been doing that. I'm not the girl who wants drama. I'm also not the psycho ex. I'm just me.

He was in my dream the other night. It was good to see his face, hear his voice and feel his touch...even if it was only in my head.

Exhaustion

Just when I think I am doing ok, I get blind sided by sucker punch....and I'm down for the count.

First let me start by saying I am exhausted and on top of that is everything else. I didn't get that much sleep last night and it sucks.

I keep on trying to think positive and was doing good for a while. But this morning I woke up and was just having a sad day. It continued to be sad, even though i hid it really well. I'm not sure why it started off this way. I am supposed to start everyday with being grateful and thankful. Which I am. I guess it all started when I was laying in bed wondering if the actions I am taking are sending the Universe the wrong msg. Which I think I am. So got to work that out. Then later on more on the other girl.

I think it's amazing how much we can dislike someone without even knowing them. I still have no confirmation, but just a gut feeling. It blows that it hasn't even been two months yet. And I wonder if had even been one for him.

Today I was thinking about it. Wondering if I really wanted him back. Then I see this and i get all emotional. It sucks. I hate it.

I'm gonna start tomorrow off better. Say my thank yous and be grateful.

I am looking forward to Tuesday. One, cause i get to start my new class and am really looking forward to meeting my new little friends. & Two, because I have a wine date with Monica. I haven't seen her since before the breakup. And I miss her.

But this is where I leave you.

it's been a week and I am ok.

i've been reading the Secret and it's helping me a lot. I feel good about myself and am grateful for everything I have in my life and everyone in it. I am also grateful for all the experiences i've had. I have put in my order with the universe and now i just have to see it in my mind, believe it, and receive it.

i'm tired. i'm not used to working this much :) gotta get back into the swing of things. I'm looking forward to meeting all my new little friends next week. Not all are new, have some returning which is always fun.

Started running yesterday....or running what little my body allowed me too. Speed walked a lot too! This is my plan. Running/Speed Walking and lots of Wii active. Plus tons of fruit & veggies. I'm pretty proud of myself, have only had 1/3 can of root beer on Sunday. Yay me :) Right now I am addicted to Vitamin Water...mostly the XXX one, (acai-blueberry-pomegranate)....so yummy.

ok bedtime...