so im sitting here and just realized that it's been over a month since we had the talk. a month since my world came crashing down. and it just seems to keep getting worse.

went to the specialist and he basically told us that my mom has less than 5 years. she could have 4 years and 11 months or she could have 90 days. it all depends on how fast the cancer spreads.

im having a really hard time with everything these days. how am i supposed to come to terms with the fact that i won't have my mom anymore? to not have her there when i have all the big moments in my life? to not be on the other side of the phone to listen to me babel on about pointless stuff? to get mad at over stupid stuff? god i hate this.

& to top it all off i hate the fact that i haven't heard from him in a week. for the guy who was supposedly my best friend. this sucks! & the other thing is that I want to see him so badly and then i don't. I hate the fact that he hasn't bothered to see how I am? to see how i'm dealing with all this. i miss him so much and it sucks cause i don't want to.

what the hell did i do to deserve all of this?

Too F'ing hot

So i am upstairs at Kim's and melting into her leather couch and looking forward to the cold shower I will be taking after I write this.

So the hospital visit went long yesterday. My mom didn't get in til twenty to two, when she was supposed to be in at 11. And the other thing is that they had to go down her throat again. Then we got the news we were expecting. She has cancer. It's kinda surreal. We're going to the specialist on Monday to see what her options are.

I'm enjoying my time out here, but my thoughts keep going all over the place. Sometimes they are on Mom and all the stuff I want to do with her while I can. On Kris and the conversation I would like to have. And among those are many other thoughts running around inside. I'll give some away....please take them.

K well I'm all yucky so I gonna hop in the shower. Yay :)

Ridge for the weekend

So I am in the Ridge for the weekend. My mom is going into St. Paul's for her biopsy. I'm not sure what to expect. I want it to be OK and hopefully it won't be as bad as we think it is. All I can do is hope for the best.

Originally I was supposed to a friends wedding this weekend. & I'm kinda bummed that I'm not going cause it would have been great. So I want to send my love to Bryce & Jenn and can't wait to see pictures.

In other things, it's been a crazy week. I discovered that drinking a bottle of wine in one night isn't always the best idea :( Plans with Kris didn't happen because our schedules didn't mash, which really sucked, cause I wanted to hang out. There is just so much running around in my head when it comes to him. I don't hate him in anyway, i just hate the situation.

so this weekend i did absolutely nothing.....it was quite boring.

today i mostly stayed in. I did venture out to grab a few things, but that was about it. lol tons of fun.

Tyler came over tho, we watched the end of LOTR, the first one. So much i forgot and some I remembered. Yay me! Now i want to watch the second on. I would also like to watch the Pirate Trilogy. I need those...or want...whatever.

I msged Kris today to see about hanging out this week. Cause he asked and I said sure. He didn't answer me. I msged him at 2, and just sent another msg. So far nothing. I would like to hang out, but if you're gonna make plans, then stick to them. I don't think that it's anything I did, unless it was asking about the comment, and if that's it then wtf? I was just needed an answer to the many questions running around in my head. I don't think he has a reason to be mad at me. I haven't done anything wrong.

This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. If I could go back a month and a half, or to the beginning of May, that would be good. That's when I started to worry. That's when I started wondering. I came across something totally by accident and it upset me. And then the next day I came upon something else that made me wonder. Then this stewed for about a week, before i approached him. Add a bunch of alcohol to that fire and you get our fun conversation. That was when I was first told he didn't love me, after a year of being together.

I would tell myself to just leave it alone..........but then what good would it do? He still wouldn't love me.

I don't know sometimes....there are many times when I want him back. I want my crazy, hockey obsessed boyfriend back. Then there are the few times when like now, when he doesn't answer, and I wonder do I really need to go through this. And the crappy thing about both of these things is that I still love him.

But til the day i either get over him, or he realizes that I'm the one, i have to live my life. I have plans this week with one of my best friends and then family stuff on the weekend....and I will have fun

it's Saturday and I got woken up at twenty after eight by a weed whacker.....i hate my neighbor

I saw Harry Potter last night. It was good, but being a big fan of the books, i could easily pick out what's missing and what isn't in the book. However when Harry took the Felix potion, I was laughing pretty hard.

So Kris & I went for dinner and drinks before the show. It was different. I guess I saw him in a different light. I didn't see him as the man I am in love with. I saw him as a friend. It took me a long time to relax and after a couple drinks I kinda saw him like I have before. I guess I was waiting to see how the movie went. No one held my hand.

We didn't talk at all about us. I told him that I wouldn't be going to the wedding. And I am still trying to figure out if I want to go to Tofino. I want to go to Tofino, but there's just so much stuff. I did ask him about the comment. His reply was "well see how the future goes and what happens"

So now I have to figure this out. Do I want this? Or do I want something else? I'd rather spend my summer having fun and spending time with family & friends than being like this. Time waits for no one, so why should I?

it's been a week

a whole week of having a broken heart....it feels hollow inside.

I finally heard from him yesterday, but that was only after i msged him asking if we were still going to the movie last night. Surprise, we didn't make it. He's in Whistler til today. So we made plans to go see it on Friday and have dinner & drinks before. I will seriously kick his ass if he bails on me again.

I got some good insight the other day. I can hope that I will be different, but he's the one who decides it.

.: Missing you isn't the problem, it's wondering if you'll ever come back that's killing me :.

so I tried doing this last night and something happened and I lost it all......so here i go again

This weekend went by quick, but then again I haven't worked since last Monday...so it's been a long weekend. Today I am off to teach Bug Camp and a little nervous cause I've never done it before. Hopefully everything goes ok.

The weekend was good. Went to Olivia's 2nd birthday. It's so hard to believe that she's two. Too cute for words. I went with Melissa & Connor and we all had a great time. Have way through the party I msged Tyler cause we had been chatting earlier that day. He msged me back telling me he was at the hospital because he had hurt his back. He could still walk so I knew it wasn't extremely bad, thank god. Later he msged me that he had broken his back, he has a compound fracture. He was able to go home. Gotta say he's pretty mobile for someone with a broken back. I went over after the party and we just hung out and watched some movies. He makes me laugh which is what I need these days.

I still haven't heard anything from Kris. It's been almost a week. We do have plans tomorrow. Some friends just think he's out doing his boy things now that he's a free man, but i never had him chained up. He was always able to do whatever he wanted. I'm hoping to get more into the "not the end" comment, cause that has been bothering me for a week. It will also make things more clear. At the moment I am confused as what I want.....and it sucks.

I hate this part.